I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
