Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
