His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
