He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
