he thought i was a dude.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
