I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Randomize
