apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can you bring me the toilet please
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
