You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
