I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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