There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
