so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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