Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
