The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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