I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
