So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
