Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
