I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
3pm strippers are depressing
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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