I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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