His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
