Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
