If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
