Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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