ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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