Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have fence marks all over my body
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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