So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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