He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
