Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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