martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
