I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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