Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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