I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize