I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
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Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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