Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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