So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
