took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
