i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
