how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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