Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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