I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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