You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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