So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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