Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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