im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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