Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
