I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
