Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
where are my eyebrows?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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