i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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