I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
