He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
