I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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