I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
