If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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