you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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