o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
