he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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