a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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