You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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