if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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