Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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